I like some of the suggestion although I doubt it would work. RUN RUN RUN if you can. Understanding who I am will get me through the day . My husband has not changed in fact he has moved on to another woman whom he can control. Narcissistic behavior on the job can arise at any time, with troubling results. After 37 years he left with his then current lover and finally divorced me. I have tried many times for the sake of my children. I have naturally done everything they tell you to to try to get a glimmer of anything out of him. In the end, I regret trying to make him feel consequences. He does not know how to be himself as a child so when he has questions and here is the hard part for me to remember, he really doesnt know beyond the child age he is. She and I wound up as live ins with no sex several times but I was no more to her than a paycheck and servant to do all the things in he house she didnt want to do. His are exhibited in binge drinking, he states this is to maintain his happiness; he frequently waits for the next weekend to live it up. Someone mentioned DBTand thought that would help mebut finding the right connection/therapist is very hard for me. I can give up on accountability for most of her behavior, but the alcoholism HAS to stop. To add perspective he was not in communication around the birth, claiming the number on his old phone didnt transfer correctly (hed moved to NZ a few months earlier but hadnt told me, I heard from a friend of his, and I got in contact with him looking up surnames in the phonebook as I knew hed be living with his Dad) and his reason for not emailing me..his stepmother was always on the computer and so he couldnt! Hi. What are his consequences without losing the weak attachment that we have? And thanks Kim for this site and your work. He got tunnel vision obsessed with job the aderall had him on the go, then yo projects in house( over 3 years and not one of the many projects to house completed) I was mainly emotional, feeling ignored by him. If you ever disagree with a narcissist, want something different, or challenge them in any way, expect a word salad. Actually I feel freed by the decision to leave him for the first time in over three years I feel like I have part of my strength back. Typical forms of narcissistic supply include sex, power, control, one-sided relationships with no accountability, compliments, subservience, obedience, admiration, and other requirements unique. He does need to learn that there are natural consequenses for his actions and that I will not always bail him out. Narcissists: The Master Manipulators I had no life it was controlled and taken over by him. I had only met them twice but commanded you for wanting to help them and said yes. Did your partner admit to the lies you wrote about during the early days of your relationship, and then turn into the man who damaged your car and didnt mention it until after you found out? I have the same questions as TANYA and also wonder where to start, do i say I love you and forgive you and just start? I just wanted have a lil peace so I couldnt go up against him and hold him accountable to much. This is the story of my life and almost always my experience when we are on any sort of vacation. I dont know what the problem was that you entered counselling about but if he is truly sorry he will accept the new rules of engagement. The problem is that everyone thinks they were both wonderful and there was something wrong with me. Although it was his decision, not mine, he recently said that he felt abandoned by me before he abandoned me. Being involved/loving a highly Narcissistic person is the most draining, devestating rape of your life, soul, family, work, financials etc. That doesnt mean you need to give in to their bad behaviour; instead of trying to hold them accountable (which wont work anyway), consider making them face the consequences of their mistakes. The world is a much better place when people like that do the only thing that is notable in their life which is for them to kill themselves and do the rest of us a favor. Perhaps hes just a mild case. Kim, what is the natural consequence for ongoing, deliberate, hostile silence that is simply meant to punish? He does have a unique bond with children in that they adore him, and I wonder if there are other partners of narcissist that have witnessed similiar bonds with children? I do not feel the passion/excitement I did when he was abusing me and I was hoping he loved me after all.. and would eventually wake up..and see the error of his hatefulness. Write in a journal, do something good for yourself. along with the narcissist's makeup - helps us to bypass obstacles when dealing with. But I had disintegrated to such a point I had no fight or self belief left and ended up HAVING to leave suffocating and drowning in his dispair and the financial situation that we had as he would not work and earn. When I remind him of the promise he made, he says he wont be guilted into keeping that promise. The worse thing is seeing how he uses older women who are lonely and they need the attention they have no idea why he is in there life but its for something he wants done and they can help him accomplish his wants. Ive had my hair pulled, been hit, wakened in the middle of the night by yelling and screaming, breaking objects, punching holes in walls. My counselor told me that he would understand if I stuck with the relationshipbut he needed me to know that even the strongest of women are affected on some level that they may not even realize and that many of his current older clients are suffering dire consequences of enduring this behavior long term. He was in the habit of driving completely drunk. Any suggestion would be great They avoid spending time with you, especially in public. I told him dozens of times I would not put with him spending so much time with her and talking to her on the phone every day, and he says theres something wrong with me that I dont accept their friendship. He confides a lot of intimate things to her first before telling me its the whole emotional infidelity thing. I know that dyslexics can overcome their disability by sort of rewiring their brains, and can learn to read and write, but I understand that this is a difficult process that takes some time. The other piece of this for me isI know that somewhere along the way, Im going to really NEED him for something. Real trust is earned and not given anyway and so no you shouldnt trust him yet, things need to be set up now so there is complete transparency. Even to a point that it appears to be his decision letting you off the hook. There is no helping these Nar people, you can only preserve your own sanity, be strong and protect yourself. I now remove myself from bad behaviour , when possible. The result- she flew into a narcissistic rage and fabricated false allegations against me. We have been married for 29 years 8 of which he spent living with someone else. He is a textbook case. I have never loved nor despised a man as much as my n I was told that Your friends have told me you have drinking issues and you are not in control and Im worried about you This was said in a romantic restaurant in central London so Sandy stormed out and ran away.. (storm no 1) Then I was told that Im not conforming and I should accept him for who he is and was immediately slighted for not complying to his needs Storm no 2 On this one he persuaded me into the car and verbally abused me for an hour whilst locking me into the car Ive had telephone calls at the middle of the night for 3 hours with him trying to explain his point of view because I just dont get it Its a sad thing being codependent but Im now aware of my upbringing and why I always look for men to approve me. Ana. Still in shock over a year later. I wish people would wake up. These times are probably gone forever. Having a very down night about it. How do I get her to acknowledge my opinions? How to Know If a Narcissist is Finished with You: 9 Sure Signs. Ive had to learn to detach rather than focus on atttachment. To reject a narcissist means you are rejecting the false self they have so carefully constructed to impress you. Working with a qualified mental health professional experienced in treating victims of abuse is important. He calls me stupid bitch and screams in my face. I loved him so much and I am still involved with him to an extent as we share property and pets. After twenty-eight years of this, I feel used up and find it difficult to persevere. Having spent New Year in a pub on my own I slowly discovered that I need to find out who the hell I am and not accept men to approve what I do I became very insecure with a lot of things that were to follow The silencing that he gave me was unbearable and I slowly realized that I am not to bear my feelings and accept being played to fit his fantasies Months went by and a year into our relationship I started to feel that I was feeling more depressed and felt very insecure about a lot of things that I started to think about suicide as an escape from my reality. It should be stressed however that this . They intercept a forward progress. 12 Ways to Break a Narcissist's Heart 1 Ignore their forms of manipulation. Hi Butterfly, You cannot depend on promises because this leaves all of your power in someone elses hands. Your response was that he is a teenager and eats a lot and that it would create more work and trouble. He isolates me from his friends because he knows that I see his other self emerge in front of them, and he does not want me to call him out on it (I have done so before, with terrible consequences). I think mentally healthy people are able to give some space and be tolerant of a partner who is not a carbon copy of themselves and therefore will differ on questions of tidiness, importance of money and life goals. Forever taking and never giving. I gave him a choice he choose wrong and he is definitely suffering the consequences. im from a broken abusuded unluved drug home.my parents were awful.what 1didnt think of that was shady the other1would.they were the greety who took from the week and needy.az long as thier lst dollar was in thier pocket they could care less who suffered.well i do believe in karma.and just in case i may neva get the chance 2 hear or c.i kicked them 2 curb.and all my syblenz.i am the only1 out of 6kdz reached out and got help 4 the hell i lived and seen.but i unlike them have self admitance.i dnt lie or deni i tell it like i c it.that causes waves every where in my life.but i no who i am.i am a mother of 5 beautiful kids and they hear i luv u everyday.and there r reprocutions 4bad choices.and i make sure i praise them when they mk good choices. There are steps in The Love Safety Net Workbook that will help you create a home environment that builds attachment and trust. but to ensure that I too learn from this experience and can move on to a healthier way of life either with or without him. Our entire marriage he has NEVER taken responsibilty for anything. I read and read and readI find myself wishing he would hit me so I would have a definable reason to leave, something our adult children would understand. My issue iswhat about false accountability? Because of this its probably best to not even try! Your a God send. And I just been letting get away with these destructive things. Here are some "habits" people have after growing up with a narcissistic parent: 1. Any hope of that happening? He came back the same except, I know am aware of his limitations as well as mine. Your openess and willingness to help is a wonderful breath of fresh air when one has been suffocating in a toxic relationship. Every crazy thing that has ever happened in our relationship that I could never understand was outlined in the characteristics and traits of a person with NPD. After over 9 years it has got worse. I now know there is no fixing or holding them accountable short of having them arrested if there is criminal behavior. Cause and effect. I met my friend over 30 years ago. I knew something was wrong, but I was so accustomed to allowing people to disregard and abuse me that I did give it the attention it deserved. Hi Kim and Steve, But also confusing if you want to find a way forward through this. Im not proud of it, but wanted to post in case this might resonate with others out there After truly saying goodbye the hero role, Narcissists dont hold the same interest anymore. Being in a wheelchair and having other health problems and for the most part being alone and often too ill to go places I want, or not having the funds to attend places Im interested in leaves me very isolated. In the meantime you need better security on your house so he cannot break in. I have just learned in the past few months about these disorders. If the man really almost kills you, than leaving is probably the best thing. I know there is a grieving process. I understand now why I kept drawing emotional leaches or vampires. I told him that I needed him to make decision by tonite which ofcourse he didnt like at all. He resented me for ever requesting counseling or that I expected him to continue to keep his word. My advice is not to have to live with someone like this because it is not love but something not yet defined in the annals of DSM and will and does only get worse over time. Not sure if hes a narcissist but one thing I do know is he is super nice to everyone else unless they piss him off or what he perceives to be an attack on him from someone usually family/me and he lets strangers/co-workers walk all over him. I went in front of the Grand Jury stating he had emotional trouble and he tried to kill himself bla bla bla, they decided not to press charges and afterwards he became even worse. I wonder if there are any young men out there who have made a relationship work with a NPD young lady I feel with love and support from friends and family there must be a chance, I would appreciate any advice like most people who deal with this personality type as a mother I have been to hell and back, as well as most advice saying basically its my fault shes like this. This has been my experience of Narcissists. If you want to forge a new path you must vow not to get stuck in those endless hours anymore. Nor was I, when tolerating them, i kept making excuses for unnexceptable behaviour. I bought your book about 18 months ago, started working on myself and learning how to deal with a man like him and, and I am thrilled to say, we have both made major progress. I went to the attorney with you. So not just the police, and stay with you, but police and ending the relation He never hit me, or anything near me. His response is that he does not need to tell us whether or not he has moved on, while hurting the ones that love him because not care that he who calls us his family, is feeling this change in him, and yet he refuses to explain. Sure they will probably still get angry when you use these kind of scripts, so you will need to play this carefully and use your own judgement. You are right when you say talking does no good. Some days I am so glad that he is gone I could scream others days I really miss his presence not him. You really need the steps in Back From the Looking Glass. Ive lived with this for 24+ years and I have had it. Im here to look for tools, connect with people with common problems, AND offer my unique story as well. Thank you!. What do you guys/girls think? I find this interesting in that I now realize that I was married to 2 narcissistic men. Its very interesting to hear the different experiences people have had. I worked through all your books, eagerly. He has refused to speak to me for the past 3 months, but has called my friends and family and told them I am mentally ill, he has tried to take our children from me without speaking to me, he has come to my house uninvited, and he has taken money from me. For me with my man, well, ill try and see if this could become better. Dont engage, it leaves them stunned. It is always me. Identifying it has helped me work on myself self esteem, coping methods, etc. I am all ears for any suggestions, because right now its hard to sayits o.k. Or just the other day, he said he got a call from Monica, a cheque bounced. To shut down a narcissist, you have to be more prepared than . I took him back many times when we were dating. He called and apologized once he had this revelation. I held on for several more months hoping that he would come around, but he was really just waiting for me to cave. I had terrible abandonment issues from my childhood and bereavements and his scared child behaviour never helped. He was threatening suicide and has a history of using violence against me. But now, we are looking at the possibility of him losing his business and losing out home. He was able to respect them for several weeksthen quickly deteriorated to the same behaviors, but worse. I held on to what was left, did marriage counseling, individual counseling, etc. In the case of a one off event I believe that yes the person should be held accountable preferably by a court of law. That took a lot of courage and self-respect. Nar may never learn, but they will pay for their mistakes at their own hand. Everything that goes wrong is always someone elses fault and no matter how logical you are, they will continue to twist and turn their way out of the argument, even if they have to swear the sky is green. He is already beginning to poison them as punishment or me. How much pain! It took me awhile to recover but the next time he begin, I immediately put him in his place and each time he tried to come out, I put him in his place again. I moved a second time 6 months later, with my daughter, the dogs and the horses so we could rent a house big enough for all of us. Per the Johns Hopkins Medicine Health Library, narcissism is a personality disorder, and it's treatable. In my early days with my partner, if I worked really hard(!) He can have what he calls a bad day or two a week where I suddenly become his punching bag and then when I say hey, dont talk to me like that, he tells me how I brought it on and how I dont have any clue what he goes through at work etcyet he says he loves his job and wants to give his best!?!? Be the happy person you were meant to be and fear nothing! Your materials and tips were and are instrumental in my change from complete co-dependency and despondance to feeling stronger and communicating clearly. 11 Ways to Confuse and Disarm a Narcissist. 17 up above, Deborah said she likes to think of the narcissists brain as a mass of short circuited wires that just dont connect. I read that narcissists may have faulty brain circuitry left brain/right brain functions dont work properly, making it difficult for them to process information much like people with dyslexia see the alphabet backwards or skewed somehow. Im hoping to share and hear more with everyone. And to start a business that my name is on, 51% mine and that it will buy his business. 1) During your deployments R&R, as I was in the process giving up my job, selling my home, pack, finding a rental home in a new state that I didnt know a soul in. When I was looking for it and asked you, you said you didnt see it. I have two kids by her.. Everything is my fault.. Idk if the meds are real or not.. She dont take responsibility, or account. Creating Word Salad Conflicts. If your energy comes from a place of love but no nonsense they will know that they are loved and will not persist in attacking you. I know this is his way of turning this back onto me. I would really appreciate any input. Year and half ago, started hearing voices, making outrageous claims, obsessed over me, needed wanted me, if I didnt give him attention it would be horrible on me. Now hes drinking more and loves to stay high. If they are not, it shatters their false sense of self-worth. I have adopted his ways of thinking. Cannot yet share my own experience but am on a huge learning curve so am needing to understand more and recognise fully that the change needs to come from me: not only because I would like to have the NPD in my life understand the impact of his behaviour on me (and others) I cant trust him yet of course. He left me to clean up the problems (getting myself released etc). But I wasnt trusting his intentions. . Being married to this kind of person has got to be the most tiring thing in the world. Don't fall for the temptation to sink to their level. I believe that the core problem is not the differences in living conditions that we all struggle to agree on and adhere to, but the underlying cognitive inabilities and resulting lack of empathy that gives rise to such a consistent lack of regard for another person. Why do we struggle with the concept of inalienable rights? He decided to stay with me, but know the affair is just another tool for him to use to punish me. So hard to get out of my marriage for many reasons. And she would gossip about me to my friends. Never listens to a single word I say. I think my father was also a narcissist, but has been tamed by his new wife who showers him with compliments. Im a survivor. realsing that being assertive and self reflective is of no prevail I fled him the day where he walked towards me with clenched fists, telling me I make his life miserable and he is suicidal! Thanks again for being so personal! I will be around as I keep working and learning. I told them he wasnt ready and needed to learn how to be a father and husband first. He couldnt be held accountable for what I was feeling, he had done nothing negative. For how to get in control of a double life, I really dont see any chance. Hi Elaine and welcome (-: Stepping out of the way of the consequences you describe would mean having him charged and put in jail for his assaults on you. I think for my sanity I just cant talk to him anymore. Actions speak louder than words (-: However, I found that by justing leaving the situation, he was finally able to see it on his own, after life gave him hard knocks which took him off his pedestal and he realized ON HIS OWN when the same thing was done to him by another, how wrong his behavior was.